I have dreamt of this day for a long, long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long time.
Actually, this paragraph is pretty good. I like this paragraph. But I'd have written it better. I'm just saying. Ever since I was but a shy, frail, undernourished Nigerian boy in the harsh, war-torn jungles of Burma I dreamt of a day like today. I dreamt of a magnificent day where as far as my weary eyes could see I would gaze upon a never-ending land of freedom and prosperity; a land of unyielding hope and limitless bounty; a land woven not from oppression and regression but from opportunity and the storied resilience of all who have come before me. I dreamt of a beautiful land where I would finally get 100 godforsaken motherfucking votes in that dumbass blog poll to the right over there which like the little bitch it is has been hogging some sizable sidebar real estate for entirely too many goddamn months now.
Whew. [Wipes sweat from brow]
Christ almighty that took forever, people. Jeeeezus. Vishnu. Buddha. Zeus. Odin. All the Gods. A Fecking Pantheon of Blasphemy. Saturn.
And, as this is a blessed, blessed (x100) day, I should probably do some thorough analysis on the official results replete with fancy charts and a magic touchscreen wall à la CNN's slickly-coiffed John Regicide.
But you know what? Fuck a bunch of that, arsehole-sucking-prick-grapplers. That would take shit like "effort" and "more effort," and if there's anything I know about myself it's that I am effortless, which I'm pretty sure means I am without effort and do not expend effort. I think. I'm like 90% certain. Listen, I don't know, okay? My name is not Merriam or Webster. It means something like that.
So, in lieu of analysis, I hereby offer up a prayer of thanksgiving. Thank you, dear brethren and fine citizens of Blogreaderlandville. Thank you to everyone who voted, and thank you most of all to myself, because I am infinitely more awesome and have a much better blog than every single one of you dumb donkeys.
Also, thank you to my court-ordered psychiatrist who is helping me see, on a daily supervised basis, that there is a life worth living beyond pathological narcissism.
Amen and Godspeed.
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